mild depression...

:/

i hate how its got to this stage.. im medically ill now. not just worried & stressed.

for fuck sake.

& to make it worse my car died tonight while i was in ludlow so i had to get a lift home.

:/


i want to dance till i fall over, i think it might help. [ for a night any way :/ ]

my birthday in a few hours.
9.09am - thats when i popped in the world. on october 10th 1988.

i feel so rubbish.
ha. i hate my awful mood swings, i want happy happy me back. not sulky.
im sorry i cannot articulate my feeling properly, i didnt concentrate enough in english.

i feel so angry. SO ANGRY.

: [

today was good, the family came & there was no drama really, well lisa [youngest cousin] got upset, but she always does.
nearly cried when mum gave a little speech ahaha & when they planted me a tree, ok not the most usual gift buti loved it, its something more than money or presents its something that will last & be there for years. meant alot to me.

i got a little kokeshi doll, aahah my aunti got it me without even knowing how cute i think they are, so good.
felt a bit like i was copyingbeth though :/

got planety of dollar too, so pleased might spend it or i could save it.. hmm.

was so pleased how well we all got on today, me & my cousins have a tendency to fall out or argue, well we use to & today kind of showed how we actually all have grown up so well.
Was also a hilarious day, auntie kaddy & uncle cliff were both on form as usual.
got great gifts too, so pleased. just dreading tomorrow & nanny cisses gift haha. could be any number of foul things, as shes got me 18 to mark me being 18... haha god.

ha, nikki put me next to katie on her top 4 on myspace, that should mean jack shit to me but unfortunatley doesnt, urgh i cannot like her i cannot stand to look at her, so bad i know but i have such a problem with ex's. in my opinion they should vanish from teh persons like after they break up. but we all know that will never happen. :/ but serious why put me right next to her... ahha goshh.

im looking forward to tuesday, well im looking forward to seeing my boy & beth. always miss him, starting to miss him even more now. wish i saw beth more too, love hanging out with her. feel like we get on soooooo well.

ok thats enough rambling.

: ]

birthday soon.
x
x

i feel rubbish.
so many things feel like they are going wrong.
there are so many thing rushing round in my head.
& no one seems to understand how much it is affecting me.
i hate who i am at the moment i hate hate hate !
: /
i could scream & cry & laugh at myself all at once.

today..

took photos with jess & josh, was fun as. right giggle.

tonight..

took photos of my friend alice for her fine art project.
her ides were amazing, shes always been talented haha since we were in primary school she was the best at art with all her ideas.
I want the art bug back, where i feel inspired & enthusiastic about my art. & look forward to doing art & want to do it all the time. i use to be like that & now i find it hard enough to motivate myself to get on & do research.
: / i feel so lazy & not in the slightest talented.
tonight made me think about how i need to really get into the next project, because if i dont im just not going to have the high standard of work i need. im desperate to go to uni, i just want to leave hereford & the immature & small town nature it has. Its litterally driving me crazy, everyone keeps saying 'its only under a year' but at the speed times going at the moment that under a year will feel like 5.
I seriously hate the routine & boredem of the area i live in.
maybe thats why im not inspired, i need a change & i mean more than a week away.
If i could i leave tomorrow.
offcourse id miss people & places, but they will still be around in a few years. & theres transport to get me back if i miss them ha.
I NEED A CHANGE !

last night...

with jess was so much fun, i loved us chatting & telling each other things we hadnt before. :] felt liek best friends again, hvent felt like that in months.we had such a laugh & the free beer & vip treatment helped. ahhaha

Future...

I so want to go dancing, & to the theatre again ! & to some art galleries like in st ives.. other peoples art is better than mine. haha.

end.

ps. i should have done photography, i feel like graphics isnt for me : /

WHY CANT WE HAVE A NIGHT LIKE WE USE TO!!
i want to fall asleep with my head on my key pad. haha. we use to chat till 3 - 4am about anything or just look at each other on the ichat cam.
:[

now we text a bit say a few nice things. speaking on the phone is wonderful but its never for very long. ok i know we know each other so well now & before we were getting to know each other. but arent people always getting to know each other no matter how long they have been together?! surely they are. So why i cant i just look at him for 5hours again i miss those nights we just stared & were giggley. hmph. Ive mentioned it but.. he doenst like msn or talking on the internet..

well i find texting far more impersonal than if we were talking on ichat & looking at each others faces & expression. how do i know how he means some thing if i cant see his face?!

ohwell.

little bastards parked in the ford at the end of my drive listening to shite music AGAIN! fuckrightoff.

This is my first entry : ]

decided to get a live journal because ive been sat here since i got off the phone with thought running through my head & no one to talk to them about to. So maybe a live journal will help me express how i feel & stop me over worrying about things.

i'm so in love with him. : ]

x